Monday, February 21, 2011

**Fat - Really?**

Growing up, I always thought I was fat....even though I wasn't, but, unfortunately, I couldn't see the reality.  In reality, for my last two years of high school, I weighed less than 110 pounds, and I only remember that because to give blood you had to weigh, at least, 110 pounds, and when the blood drives came to our school I couldn't give because I didn't weigh enough. I think, I weighed 106, but when I looked in the mirror I saw fat legs, and fat arms.  I really, really did.  I was always so self-conscious about my body, and I never thought I was thin, but I looked like this in high school (these pics were scanned so they aren't the greatest quality):

I saw fat!!  Really??  Where??  It's so sad that I didn't appreciate and enjoy that body.

In college, instead of the freshman 15, I gained more like the freshman 45, or 50.  And that extra weight was alot on my 5'1" frame, and I really felt horrible about myself with all that extra weight.  By the time I quit college, after going for 3 years, I probably weighed about 150-155, and I looked like this (that's my dad w/ me):

I felt HUGE being 150 pounds, but when I look at that picture now - it doesn't seem all that bad!  Eventually, I lost about 20 pounds, and got down to around 135, and this is how I looked in 1997, right before I started to gain all the weight that led to my obesity (me w/ my hubby - then boyfriend):

So, yea, I was, pretty much, delusional all those years to believe I was I a really big, fat person!  Unfortunately, my delusions became my reality, and now I really am a fat person.  Oh, how I wish I still looked like I did in the above pics!  I know I'll never be 106 pounds again, and that's okay, but I would love to get back to 135 pounds.  I know if I can get there, again, I will appreciate it much more than I did the first time around!

Exericse today:  Walked 1 mile, and did about 10 minutes of strength training with the dumbbells.  Not alot, but it's something.


  1. Thanks for posting all of those! So fun to look back on old photos! I can't say I made it past the middle mark, but otherwise I feel the exact same as you. Ha - totally remember being too small for the blood-drive too! Oh how I'd kill for 135 right about now......

    It's easy to say that you didn't appreciate what you had back then, and to an extent, perhaps there is some truth to it. The other side though is that you didn't want to settle - you wanted to strive for something better that what you had...and that is the same drive that can take you where you want to go now! : )

  2. You are really beautiful! Obesity/weight loss is such a mental struggle.
    Stop beating yourself up so much. Find that inner beauty that everyone else sees in you. If I can see it through a computer I know those closest to you see it with no problem.
    You can't be 100% perfect all of the time. Alow yourself a learning curve and the opportunity to make mistakes. You didn't put this weight on over night, you aren't going to take it off over night either. Small steps every single'll get there!

  3. Hi, Jen. They're aren't levels of truth to the post - the whole truth IS...I never liked how I looked. I wasn't striving to be thinner, I just wanted to be thin, and, that's the whole point of the post, to show how warped my mind was, in that, I had no self-acceptance - inside or out. I was thin, but I couldn't see it because I had no self-worth. I hope my girls will never go through that experience. I hope they will always see how beautiful they are - inside and out. Thanks for commenting.

  4. Hi, Christi. Thank you. I'm working everyday to find that inner beauty because I know how important it is to feel it. That's why I posted the pictures - to show how I looked, and to tell how I just couldn't see the beauty, and feel good in my own body. Thanks for commenting!