**Days 301, 302, & 303**

I'm doing good with my fruits and veggies!  It feels good to be eating, mostly, raw.  I did saute the portabella mushrooms up with just some cooking spray and minced garlic, and they were so good!!  I could eat those things for every meal - I love mushrooms!

Last night, I went with my husband to a bowling event with some people from his work.  I was able to enjoy myself and I didn't have one alcoholic drink to do it, which is kind of big for me not to do in a social situation.  I used to use alcohol as a way to cope with anxiety - I drank way too much, and I even ended up in alcohol abuse counseling for a bit when I was in my twenties.  I was mess, and I caused my parents and my sister plenty of grief over it.  I started drinking at 18 when I was in college, but just to have fun - I would have a few, and that was enough.  But, of course, with my drinking, and my crappy eating, I started adding on the pounds.  Plus, I hated college - the academic part of it anyway.  I was at a really low point in my life, and I felt like a failure, which caused my already low self-esteem to plummet to uncharted territories.  I hated the way I felt, and I hated the way I looked, so whenever I drank, which was, at least, four times a week, I drank to get drunk - really, really drunk, and I was an idiot of a drunk (is there any other kind, really?).  It was a long six or seven years, but by my late twenties, I started isolating myself, and I, rarely, went out socially, so my drinking wasn't really an issue anymore because I didn't need it to get me through uncomfortable situations.

Anyway, when my husband asked me to go to this bowling thing I did not want to go, but I have spent years sending my him off alone to these things, and I just couldn't do it to him again.  So, I agreed to go, but I was very nervous about it.  I am not good with new people; I'm not a very social person, and I'm still self-conscious about alot of things.  On the whole drive there I thought  - It will be okay.  I will start off quick with some drinks to get me relaxed, and then I will be fine.  We walked into the bowling alley, and, oh my gosh, I, immediately, started sweating, as soon as I saw all the people - that's what happens when I get nervous, I sweat!  I mean, really?!  As if the turmoil going on in my head is not enough to have to deal with!  So, anyway, my husband asked me what I would like to drink, and I said, "Water.", and he looks at me like I'm crazy, and he asked, "Really?", and  I said, "Yes, really,  just a water. I can do this." - and I did!  I drank only water the whole night, and I was fine.  Of course, I will still nervous to be out in a social situation with a bunch of people I didn't know, and, yes, I was, totally, out of my comfort zone, but I was able to get through it with 100% mental clarity!  I didn't need any help from alcohol, and that feels good.

Don't get me wrong, I still drink alcohol sometimes, but it's a weird thing for me.  I'm okay with it if I'm drinking with people I'm comfortable with - I can hang out with my close friends, and there's no anxiety behind the drinking.  I don't feel a need to have the alcohol to get through the evening.  But if it's a situation like I was in last night - I want to drink for a totally different reason, and it's not a good reason.  It's the feeling I get that I need to drink ALOT, so I don't have to be, totally and completely, present, mentally.  Does that make sense?  Anyway, I fought the urge to drink that way last night, and I'm proud of myself.  Plus, not drinking kept me from consuming extra calories I don't need!