Tuesday, January 11, 2011

**In Hiding & On the Sidelines**

I was very, very embarrassed when I became obese - so I went into hiding. Yep, for over 13 years, I hid from all the people who had only known me as a thin person. I would refuse to go out in my home town of Ottawa for fear that I would run into someone from my past. I refused to meet up with old friends - always coming up with an excuse for not being able to get together. I did NOT want people to know that I was fat. And then it got worse....

I got to the point where I didn't want to meet new people either. I would refuse to attend any of my husband's work functions. I was embarrassed for him, and didn't want people to know he was married to a fat person. Somehow, I thought it was better to send him to Xmas parties and work picnics alone. Finally, a few years ago, I agreed to attend one of the picnics, but it was so hard being there I've never gone again.

I wouldn't attend any get-togethers at friend's homes if I knew new people were going to be there. In social situations, I was only willing to be around people I was, completely, comfortable with - my parents, my sister, and my friend, Julie.

I let being obese affect every part of my life. I was living life on the sidelines - watching my family have fun without me. I always refused to get in a suit in public so they swam without me at pools and beaches. Running around for any length of time was so hard, so they played tag without me. Getting my big ass on kiddie rides wasn't going to happen, so I watched while Dave rode with them. I didn't want to hear that I was too obese to go on a water ride, so I would sit alone at the water parks while they were off enjoying the park.

Last year, I started coming out of my self-imposed isolation a little more. I mean, really, it was time to get over myself!!! I started trying to be more social and began spending time w/ new friends. I went on a roller coaster ride AND a water ride w/ my kids and friends for the first time! Even bigger - I went to my 20 year high school reunion. It was so hard for me to do, but I did it!!!!!!!

I missed out on so much all those years. It's so sad. Sad for me, for my family, and my friends. I'm not letting obesity run my life anymore. It's insane that I let it for so long, and I'll always regret it, but I can only move forward now. I'm trying to love and accept myself, and I'm starting to make the changes I need to make to really be who I want to be - inside and out.

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