Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I'm ashamed of myself for hiding for so long just because of the way I look - I mean, come on, it's not like I was some great beauty when I was skinny! Unfortunately, like many girls and women, I was always obsessed with my weight, so when I gained so much I felt worthless. It's terrible that so much of my self-worth was connected to my weight, and how I looked on the outside, but, to be honest, I have never felt much better about my inside self either.

I have always struggled with feeling like I'm not smart enough - not smart enough to be part of a book club, not smart enough to run a homeschool group class, not smart enough to have "quality" conversations w/ people, not smart enough to learn photography, not smart enough to really be creative. I know this just comes from having low self-esteem though, and that's it's just another thing I have to work through.

I'm, also, ashamed because my issues with my weight affected so many other people. It's been hard for my family to not have me participating in bike rides, swimming while on vacations, amusement park rides, etc. And it's not right that I, repeatedly, sent them off to Dave's work picnics, or other get-togethers without me because I was too uncomfortable to go. My friend, Julie, often had to make concessions for me - staying in, instead of going out when we were getting together, or not going to a certain parties because I wouldn't be comfortable - stuff like that. My parents and my sister have spent plenty of time dealing with my issues associated with my weight, too. So, I didn't just hurt myself for all those years...I hurt others, too, and I regret that. I have been, completely, selfish and that's hard to face.

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