**Halloween**

It's 10:50pm, and I haven't had one piece of candy - even though I have all of this sitting about ten feet away from me:

In the past I would have grabbed up the Snickers, the Twix, the Hershey's, and the Kit Kats, poured myself a big glass of milk, and devoured those babies in about 5 minutes!  That was then, and this is now.  And now,  I refuse to behave that way.  I admit I really want all that chocolate, but I'm not going to have it - not even one piece.  Instead, I'll go to bed.....and probably dream about it, but that's okay because dreaming about it won't add five pounds to my already big ass.

The candy will be in the house for one more day.  We allow our girls to keep it for one day - having a bit of it throughout the day, but that's it.  After one day my hubby takes the rest to work, or we just throw it away.  So, I'll have to fight the cravings for one more day, but I can do it!

**Day 304**

Today's weight:

I've been dancing around this number since July, so I'm not really making any progress, but, at least, I'm not back up in the 220's....clearly, I'm grasping at straws here!  Listen, I know there's no excuse for me to be at the same number I was at back in July.  I need to get my ass in gear, and do better.  Period.  We're leaving for Walt Disney World in 94 days, so I'm using that as my motivation, right now, to stay on track!

Have a great Halloween!!

**Still Day 303**

I told my husband that my plan is to not have any Halloween candy - not one piece!  And, of course, he looked at me like, yea right!!  He was not trying to be mean - he was just be realistic, because, realistically, I, normally, eat about 50 pieces of candy on Halloween!  It's sick, really!  I am a chocolate freak, and if it's in the house, well, I eat it.  So, this year, I'm not buying the candy I'll be handing out to the kids until Monday afternoon because I don't want it in the house any longer than it has to be.  I will be buying candy that contains no chocolate because, for me, if it doesn't have chocolate it's not candy, and I won't have any urge to eat it.  The problems will start when my girls get home with their big bags of candy from trick-or-treating!  There will be chocolate in those bags, and I will want to tear through those bags to look for Twix, Snickers, Hershey's.....anything with chocolate....BUT I won't do it.  I am not going to have one piece of candy this Halloween season!  I don't need it!  Will having one little piece of candy do any real damage?  No.  But stopping at one is very hard for me, so I'm just going to pass on it altogether.  I can do it!

**Days 301, 302, & 303**

I'm doing good with my fruits and veggies!  It feels good to be eating, mostly, raw.  I did saute the portabella mushrooms up with just some cooking spray and minced garlic, and they were so good!!  I could eat those things for every meal - I love mushrooms!

Last night, I went with my husband to a bowling event with some people from his work.  I was able to enjoy myself and I didn't have one alcoholic drink to do it, which is kind of big for me not to do in a social situation.  I used to use alcohol as a way to cope with anxiety - I drank way too much, and I even ended up in alcohol abuse counseling for a bit when I was in my twenties.  I was mess, and I caused my parents and my sister plenty of grief over it.  I started drinking at 18 when I was in college, but just to have fun - I would have a few, and that was enough.  But, of course, with my drinking, and my crappy eating, I started adding on the pounds.  Plus, I hated college - the academic part of it anyway.  I was at a really low point in my life, and I felt like a failure, which caused my already low self-esteem to plummet to uncharted territories.  I hated the way I felt, and I hated the way I looked, so whenever I drank, which was, at least, four times a week, I drank to get drunk - really, really drunk, and I was an idiot of a drunk (is there any other kind, really?).  It was a long six or seven years, but by my late twenties, I started isolating myself, and I, rarely, went out socially, so my drinking wasn't really an issue anymore because I didn't need it to get me through uncomfortable situations.

Anyway, when my husband asked me to go to this bowling thing I did not want to go, but I have spent years sending my him off alone to these things, and I just couldn't do it to him again.  So, I agreed to go, but I was very nervous about it.  I am not good with new people; I'm not a very social person, and I'm still self-conscious about alot of things.  On the whole drive there I thought  - It will be okay.  I will start off quick with some drinks to get me relaxed, and then I will be fine.  We walked into the bowling alley, and, oh my gosh, I, immediately, started sweating, as soon as I saw all the people - that's what happens when I get nervous, I sweat!  I mean, really?!  As if the turmoil going on in my head is not enough to have to deal with!  So, anyway, my husband asked me what I would like to drink, and I said, "Water.", and he looks at me like I'm crazy, and he asked, "Really?", and  I said, "Yes, really,  just a water. I can do this." - and I did!  I drank only water the whole night, and I was fine.  Of course, I will still nervous to be out in a social situation with a bunch of people I didn't know, and, yes, I was, totally, out of my comfort zone, but I was able to get through it with 100% mental clarity!  I didn't need any help from alcohol, and that feels good.

Don't get me wrong, I still drink alcohol sometimes, but it's a weird thing for me.  I'm okay with it if I'm drinking with people I'm comfortable with - I can hang out with my close friends, and there's no anxiety behind the drinking.  I don't feel a need to have the alcohol to get through the evening.  But if it's a situation like I was in last night - I want to drink for a totally different reason, and it's not a good reason.  It's the feeling I get that I need to drink ALOT, so I don't have to be, totally and completely, present, mentally.  Does that make sense?  Anyway, I fought the urge to drink that way last night, and I'm proud of myself.  Plus, not drinking kept me from consuming extra calories I don't need!

**Days 299 & 300**

I didn't exercise yesterday, and I have no excuse - I just didn't do it.  However, I did make good food choices, and I did drink lots of water - not over 100 oz., like I planned, but close.

Today, I did a 30 min. walk/run on the treadmill, and I, again, I did good with my food and water.

I'm feeling bloated and achy (could be because my monthly visitor is due on Monday - on weigh in day...great!), so I decided to do a bit of a veggie and fruit diet for a few days:

I bought plenty of fruits and veggies to last me a few days, and I'll add a bit of protein to some of my meals, too.  I'm hoping I'll feel a bit cleaned out after a few days! :)

**Days 297 & 298**

Still here, and still struggling a bit, but I am doing better.  I can't believe the month of October is almost over...heck, I can't believe this year is almost over!  As I mentioned before, I thought I would be further along in my weight loss journey by now, and, of course, I can only blame myself for not doing as well as I had hoped.  There are so many reasons I want to lose this weight, and another one came up about a week ago - I'm going to Walt Disney World in 14 weeks!  My parents have very, graciously offered to take my family, and my sister's family on this wonderful trip!  I will not go on this trip and have to worry about fitting into the airplane seat.  I will not go on this trip and have to worry about fitting onto the rides with my girls.  I will not go on this trip and feel too uncomfortable to put on a swimsuit to swim with the dolphins.  I have 14 weeks to work my butt off, and, no, I can't reach my goal weight by then, BUT I can, and will, lose plenty of weight by then.  I've spent the last 14 years living an altered life because of my obesity - missing out on so many things.  This trip will be different.

**Days 294, 295, & 296**

We went away with friends this weekend, and I didn't allow myself to think about how many calories I was consuming.  Well, okay, I thought about it, but I didn't let it stop me from drinking and eating more than I should have, so what does that say about me?  I don't know.  When I do this it makes me feel like, maybe, I'm, truly, not ready to lose all this weight.  If I was, wouldn't I try to, at least, limit how much I eat or drink.  You know - have just one or two beers, not seven.  And have just one SMALL serving of nachos appetizer, not three BIG servings, followed by a BBQ pork slider.  I just can't believe I'm not there yet.  I'm still making bad choices, and there's no excuse for it.  I still try to justify it by telling myself - well, I'm out with friends, and it's just one weekend, so I get to enjoy myself - which I KNOW is wrong because when I fall off the wagon, even for just one day, I find it very hard to get back on, so why do I allow myself to do it?  I do want to lose this weight, but I must not want it enough, and that's just a fact because if I did I would not continue to make bad choices.  I'm choosing to stay obese, and I'm not sure why that is - laziness? craziness?  I don't know.  What I do know is this - only I can change my life.  I am the decision-maker, and I have to make the decision, once and for all, to take action, and beat this obesity problem that I have inflicted on myself.  If you're still here, thanks for listening to me whine, but I'm done now because whining isn't going to help me lose weight.  And neither is being on track for two days or three days, but off track for four or five days, which is what I've been doing the last few months.  I suck!  Feel free to let me have it - I deserve it.