**March Goals**

I lost one pound this month, but I'm hoping to do much better in March.  One of my goals is to lose 10 pounds in March - that's 2 pounds per week, so, I think, it's doable.  Also, I am going to try to get to the gym 26 days in March.  I will be out of town for the other 5 days, so I know I can't get to the gym those days, but there's no reason (right now) that I can't get there on the other 26 days.  Finally, as I mentioned this morning, I want to start drinking more water!!  Oh, and I am still hoping to get into that goal outfit I bought!  We'll see.

BTW, I did make it to the gym today even though I'm not feeling well, so I'm proud of myself for going.  I did 25 min. on the treadmill, and 15 min. on the elliptical.

**Sick**

I haven't been feeling well the last couple days - I have a headache, sore throat, and I'm just feeling very tired, over all, BUT I'm still going to go the gym later!  Who knows - maybe it will give me back some of the energy I seem to be lacking.  I'm going to do 20 min. on the treadmill, and 15 min. on the elliptical.

I can't believe tomorrow is March 1st already!  And that means it's time for me to post my monthly progress pics.  Unfortunately, with only a one pound loss in Feb. I don't think there's going to be much of a difference in the photos, but we'll see.  I'm thinking about wearing a different outfit for the photo - shorts!  I don't know if I'll have the guts to do it.  I HATE my legs, and never wear shorts, but I do want to be able to see the difference in my legs from month to month, as I'm losing the weight.  And, I think, I'm going to wear a different tank top that pretty much shows off every fat roll I have, but it will be good to see those fat rolls disappearing as the months go by!  I'll post the pics sometime tomorrow.

I'll be working on drinking more water this week.  I'm still having a hard time with that!  Any ideas?

**Reason #17**

Reason #17 to lose weight - life insurance!  Being morbidly obese makes it very expensive to get life insurance, so I don't have it, and that's not good!  No, right now, my family doesn't rely on me financially, but if I were to die having life insurance would help them out.  My husband works full-time, so it would be hard for him to, also, be a child care provider, housekeeper, cook, driver, teacher (I homeschool our girls), etc.  He would have to pay people to help him, and the life insurance would surely make that easier.  So, once I lose enough weight, getting life insurance will be one of the first things I do!!

**Weekend**

Not much to report or talk about today.  We're spending the weekend at our cabin, and tonight I'm going to play Bunco w/ friends.  I know there will be lots of snacky foods at the get-together, but I'm going to keep my snacking in check.  I'm going to drink lots of water to keep me feeling full! 

I didn't do any exercising today, but I will do my WATP dvd when I get home tomorrow night, and then I'll be back in the gym Monday morning. 

Have a great weekend!

**It's Okay**

As I said this morning, I'm disappointed with my gain, but it's okay.  I know this is going to happen once in awhile - especially, when I make a conscious decision to go out the night before my weigh in, and make poor food choices.  It's only one weigh in, and it's the only gain I've had since I started on my journey.  With this 1.5 gain, I'm ending February with a 1 pound loss for the whole month.....not good, at all. :(  BUT it's better than no loss, and I WILL do better in March.

I did great at the gym today:

25 min. on the treadmill
15 min. on the elliptical
18 min. on the recumbent bike

I went from one machine to the other, so I was moving for a total of 58 min., and I feel good about that!  My goal is to go to the gym every morning M-F, so I'm going to work really hard to stick to that schedule.

**Weigh In #8**

236.  So, I gained 1.5 pounds.  I know I had a bad night of eating last night, but I'm a little surprised that I gained that much - I was thinking I would just stay the same.  I'm disappointed, but not discouraged.  I'm moving on, and not dwelling on the gain.  I'm heading off to the gym now.

**Good Start....Bad Finish**

I had a good start to my day, but then had a pretty bad finish.  I had a protein bar, milk, and fruit for breakfast.  For lunch, we went to pizza hut with friends and I had water and one slice of a thin crust cheese and mushroom.  I didn't eat much all day because I knew I was going out w/ friends for dinner.  So, to be honest, I knew I wasn't going to eat very healthy at dinner, and I didn't.  We ate at Jambalaya, and instead of giving complimentary bread they bring out potato chips, and I ate about 5 or 6 of them.  For my meal, I ordered a crab cake sandwich with fries.  I took off the top bun, but ate the crab cakes and bottom bun.  I ate some fries, but not all of them.  And I had two alcoholic drinks.  So, yea, LOTS of calories tonight.  Not sure what will happen with my weigh in the morning, but we'll see.

On a better note, I did go to the gym this morning.  I did 15 min. on the treadmill, and 15 min. on the elliptical.   After we left the gym, my daughter asked me if I enjoyed my workout, and with no hesitation I said - Yes!  And I meant it.  It feels good to be doing something to better my health, and I know working out is helping me to do that.  And I'm actually looking forward to going, again, in the morning.

**So Scary**

I was just reading the news online and came across this story about a man in my area dying of a heart attack.  This kind of thing scares the crap out of me.  This man doesn't even look overweight in his picture, but he died of a bad heart.  I'm morbidly obese, so I can't even imagine how bad a shape my heart must be in!  Anyway, I don't know this man, but my heart goes out to his family.  It's so sad.

http://triblocal.com/joliet/2011/02/23/joliet-cop-dies-while-running-on-treadmill/

**The Gym**

The first thing that popped into my head when I woke up this morning was having to go to the gym.  My thoughts were this - Jeez, I opened my big mouth and said I would go to the gym.  Why did I open my big mouth??  I don't want to go to the gym! What if it's really crowded?  OMG, I don't want to workout in front of a bunch people!  I'll get all winded and sweaty and gross!!  It will be so embarrassing!!  But if I don't go I have to post that on my blog and look like a big loser!!   Yea, so I laid there for about 15 min. stressing over having to go the gym, but then I thought - OMG, shut the f**k up, get up, and go the gym!!!!!  So, I did.  And, yes, there were quite a few people there, and, yes, I got winded, and sweaty and gross.....but I lived through it, and it was fine.

I did 15 min. on the treadmill, 15 min. on the elliptical, and 15 min. on the bike.  In the end, I was glad I went, and I'm going back tomorrow!!!

**Cardio Max**

So, tonight I tried out The Biggest Loser Cardio Max dvd that I've had for a couple years, but never used.  It was a 30 min. workout - 5 min. warm up, 20 min. cardio, and 5 min. cool down.  I have to say - I didn't like the dvd that much.  I had to modify alot of the exercises because so many of the moves were a killer on my knees, but I kept moving the whole time, and I held weights for most of the workout.  I was dripping with sweat by the time I was done, and was way out of breath, so I know I had a good workout, but I don't think I'll be using that dvd again - at least, not for awhile.  So, anyway, I got my workout in for today, and I feel good about it.

I live in a subdivision that has a clubhouse with a gym that I can use whenever I want, so I'm thinking about going over there a few times a week to use the treadmill, and the elliptical machine.  Jeez, it's so ridiculous that I've lived in this subdivision for seven and half years, and have only used the gym about ten times.  Okay, I'm not even going to think about it - I WILL go to the gym tomorrow to workout!!!  I'm going to walk on the treadmill for 20 min., and do the elliptical for 20 min. - that's my goal for tomorrow!

**WOW**

Just came across this story of a 95-year-old runner!!  Now, dang it, if she can run, so can I!!!  Right?

http://news.yahoo.com/video/us-15749625/running-strong-24277101

**Fat - Really?**

Growing up, I always thought I was fat....even though I wasn't, but, unfortunately, I couldn't see the reality.  In reality, for my last two years of high school, I weighed less than 110 pounds, and I only remember that because to give blood you had to weigh, at least, 110 pounds, and when the blood drives came to our school I couldn't give because I didn't weigh enough. I think, I weighed 106, but when I looked in the mirror I saw fat legs, and fat arms.  I really, really did.  I was always so self-conscious about my body, and I never thought I was thin, but I looked like this in high school (these pics were scanned so they aren't the greatest quality):
































I saw fat!!  Really??  Where??  It's so sad that I didn't appreciate and enjoy that body.

In college, instead of the freshman 15, I gained more like the freshman 45, or 50.  And that extra weight was alot on my 5'1" frame, and I really felt horrible about myself with all that extra weight.  By the time I quit college, after going for 3 years, I probably weighed about 150-155, and I looked like this (that's my dad w/ me):












I felt HUGE being 150 pounds, but when I look at that picture now - it doesn't seem all that bad!  Eventually, I lost about 20 pounds, and got down to around 135, and this is how I looked in 1997, right before I started to gain all the weight that led to my obesity (me w/ my hubby - then boyfriend):

So, yea, I was, pretty much, delusional all those years to believe I was I a really big, fat person!  Unfortunately, my delusions became my reality, and now I really am a fat person.  Oh, how I wish I still looked like I did in the above pics!  I know I'll never be 106 pounds again, and that's okay, but I would love to get back to 135 pounds.  I know if I can get there, again, I will appreciate it much more than I did the first time around!

Exericse today:  Walked 1 mile, and did about 10 minutes of strength training with the dumbbells.  Not alot, but it's something.

**Exercise Log**

Last week, I did pretty good on my exercising, but I want to start doing better.  I think, having to post everyday if I exercised, or not, will help keep me more accountable.  I know only a handful of people read my blog, but I would still feel like a big loser if I had to post everyday that I didn't work out.  So, from now on, at the end of every post I will log my exercising.  And if I don't exercise there will be no excuses because there is never an excuse for me not to do it.  I am lucky, in that I have time in my day - EVERYDAY - to exercise, so I need to do it. Period.

**#16**

Reason #16 to lose weight - doctor appointments, especially, gyno appointments.  Going to the doctor is so humiliating...for me, anyway.  First, they take my blood pressure, and, of course, they have to use the extra large cuff to go around my big arm.  Next, I step on the scale, and the nurse will, almost always, be nice and try to start off on the 100 increment mark, and I always help her out by saying - nope, move up to 200 and we'll go from there.  Then it's time to get naked and wear the gown - the BIG, BIG gown they have to give me so it will cover all of my not so lovely curves.  And sorry for this part, Dad, but I have to share.  Next comes the boob exam - flat on the back, arms over my head, with my not even close to perky boobs falling to the sides of my body.  And then, finally, the pelvic exam - feet in the stirrups, legs wide open, big butt scooted down to edge of the table until, I am certain, I'm going to fall right off onto the doctor's head.  It is just such an unpleasant experience from beginning to end.  Now, I realize that visiting the gyno every year is not fun for any woman, but I have done it as a thin person, and as a fat person, and, for me, it is much more humiliating doing it as a fat person.  So, I look forward to the day I can walk into the gyno office as a "normal" sized person.

**Weight In #7**

The scale said 234.5 lbs today - 1.5 lbs lost - I'll take it!  I will NOT be disappointed with that!  It's not a huge number, but it's a loss, so I'm happy with it.  I'm so close to being out of the 230's!!  I can't wait to say goodbye to the 230's forever!!!

**Workout Week**

I had a great week (so far) of working out.  I didn't exercise on Monday, but on Tuesday I did my Walk Away the Pounds twice, on Wednesday I did WATP and, also, took a 20 min. walk outside with my daughter, today I  did my WATP twice.  My hubby and I went out to eat tonight, but other than that I was really good with my food all week, so I am hoping to have a good weigh in tomorrow.....at least, a one pound loss!!  Oh, yea, I  better see a one pound less - anything more will just be icing on the cake!!! Not that I'm having icing...or cake. :)

**Reason #15**

Reason 15 to lose weight - aches and pains!!  I can't wait to get rid of the aches and pains in my back and feet!  Having an extra 100+ pounds of fat on me takes a real toll on my body.  My back went out a few years ago, and it was a horrible experience.  I could barely move for eight weeks -  it was so, so painful.  And I know my back went out because of my obesity.  It doesn't take much to hurt my back - just standing up for too long causes pain, and lifting anything heavy is out of the question.  And my feet really suffer, too, if I'm on them for more than a few hours.  I don't just mean a little pain - it's terrible pain....barely can walk anymore pain.  I hate that my body suffers so much because of all this extra fat, and I'm mad at myself for putting my body through this for so long.  

**Good Day**

Today was a really easy day!  I don't know why, but it was, and I'm happy.  I woke up with a really positive, motivated attitude.  Last night, I promised myself that I would workout first thing in the morning, and I did.  I dreaded doing it, but once I was done I felt great!  And that feeling lasted all day long.  I, actually, looked forward to eating healthy all day, and I didn't have any bad cravings.  AND because I'm still feeling so good I'm going to throw in another workout tonight - I'm getting ready to do a quick one mile walk!  I wish everyday could be this easy, but they aren't and they won't be, so I'm really grateful for today.

**No Sweets V-Day**

Happy Valentine's Day!!  Normally, for V-Day my hubby gets me a big box of Fannie May Pixies....and I would precede to eat the whole box in one sitting,  but things have changed around here, so there were no Pixies today.  Instead, I received a big hug and kiss, and that was just fine with me!

My stomach still isn't feel great, so the tamales are still punishing me, or maybe I'm getting sick - who knows?   I was good with my eating today.  I had a protein bar, fruit, and milk for breakfast.  We met my parents at the mall food court for lunch, so I took cut up carrots with me, and ordered one McDonald's grilled chicken snack wrap, and a bottled water.  For a late afternoon snack, I had a peeled sweet potato sprayed with vegetable oil cooking spray, sprinkled with paprika and pepper, and baked in the oven.  Dinner was half a Lean Cuisine sandwich - I wasn't hungry at all, so I didn't finish the other half.

I didn't exercise today.   Yes, I still have time to do it, but I'm not even going to pretend that it's going to happen tonight because it's not, but I will exercise tomorrow morning.  I think, doing it first thing in the morning will set me up for a great day!

**Ouch**

Okay, after two days of eating fatty tamales the rock gut has arrived!  I feel like I have a fifteen pound rock in my stomach, and it hurts!!  I know thinking I will  be eating healthy food for every single meal for the rest of my life is not realistic, but these tamales are hitting my body hard, so I will, definitely, think twice the next time I'm tempted to go on a junk food splurge because, right now, I feel like the tamales were not worth the discomfort I am going through!

**Tamales**

We hosted a tamale making day at my house for my family yesterday....and, yes, I ate some tamales.  Too many. I had a plan going in - eat only four tamales.  Well, I knew when I told myself.....only four tamales....that it was total bullshit.  I'm not that controlled with my food yet, if it's there I will eat it - especially if it's homemade tamales that I only have about once a year.  So, my four tamales turned into seven tamales before the night was over, and today I had five!  Tamales are bad, bad, bad for you, so in two days I've probably had a week's worth of calories, and I don't even want to think about all the fat grams I've consumed.  I need to get the rest of the tamales out of the house!  We passed out four dozen to friends, and my husband is taking the rest of them to work tomorrow.  There's no doubt that I have food issues.  I binge when there is something around that I really, really enjoy!  I can't just have one - I will eat it until it is gone.  I'm working on how to control myself, but it's clear I'm not there yet, so I can't have those triggers in the house.  I'm disappointed in myself, but I'm trying to focus on the positive.  And that positive is that I spend a wonderful day with my family - my hubby and girls, my parents, my sister, my nephews, my uncles, my aunt, and my cousins.  We all had a great time together.    

**Dancing**

Reason #14 to lose weight - dancing!  I love to dance, but I haven't done it in a very long time.  We went out with friends last weekend, and one of my friends asked me to go dance two different times, but it never happened because I just don't feel comfortable dancing in front of people.  I wish I could think to myself - What the hell??  Get out there and dance!  Unfortunately, I don't feel confident enough to do it yet.  I hate that I keep myself from doing things I really want to do, but sometimes it's like there's a brick wall in front of me, and I just can't break through it.  I can't wait to feel secure enough to dance again!

**Weigh In #6**

I weighed in at 236 this morning - 1 pound lost.  I'm not surprised because my monthly visitor (you know - the not so enjoyable visitor) arrived today, plus I didn't exercise as much I should have, but one pound is better than no pounds, so I'll take it!  I can't wait to be out of the 230's!  I haven't been lower than 230 pounds in many, many years so getting there will be huge for me, and I hope to get to 229 by Feb. 25th.  So, that's one mini-goal I have.  Losing seven pounds in two weeks might be a little too ambitious of a goal, but I'm going to go for it!

**Goal Outfit**

I hate shopping for clothes - hate it, hate it, hate it!  But tonight I bought myself a goal outfit.  I was out shopping with my husband, and I found jeans and a cute top  - they don't fit me, right now, but I thought  - I really love this outfit!  So, I decided to make it my goal outfit that I can, hopefully, fit into by the end of March.  The jeans are only two sizes smaller than what I wear now, and, I think, that's doable in six weeks.  I think, the outfit will be a great motivator for me over the next six weeks.  And I told my husband if I reach this goal in six weeks I will go out and buy another goal outfit!  So, we'll see!!

**My Daughter**

This is a tough story to tell because it involves my ten year old daughter, and it's sad to me that it took what happened to open up my eyes.  It's been over a month now, but it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.  Anyway, my daughter stepped on the scale and became hysterical because she did not like the number staring back at her.  I was shocked that she was so upset because she had never seemed concerned about her weight before - even though she is going through puberty, and had gained weight in the last year or so.  I tried to calm her down by telling that she didn't need to worry about her weight at such a young age, but this upset her more.  She was angry that I wouldn't admit the number was too high for her age and height.  My heart was breaking for her, and I felt so much guilt because I knew that the we ate and snacked wasn't healthy for her, or the rest of our family......but I allowed it anyway.

After calming her down, I asked her to tell me more about why she was so upset, and she shared with me that she felt it was very unhealthy for her to be overweight.  I was relieved that she was worried about her health, and not worried about her appearance - I didn't want it to be just a vanity thing.  We agreed, as a family, we would start eating better, and exercising in order to get our bodies to a healthy weight - and we've been doing that ever since.  My daughter feels great about it, and so do I!

I don't ever want my daughters to have to worry about having poor health because of a weight problem, so by making changes now I am hoping they will have the knowledge they need to make healthy choices for a lifetime.

**Defeated by.....**

cornbread!!! I mixed up a batch of Jiffy cornbread to go with dinner tonight - I added chopped broccoli, chopped onions, and a little shredded cheddar to it. My plan was to have one small piece, but one piece turned into two pieces,....and then two turned into three!! I've haven't even felt the need to binge in a long time, but tonight that cornbread got the better of me, for some reason. And I know a real binge would have been eating the whole pan, but still - I'm bummed I gave in and ate so many pieces. Damn tasty cornbread!! Okay, so it was a slight setback - physically and mentally - but I'm moving on. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do better. And I won't be making anymore cornbread for awhile!

**Photos**

Reason #13 to lose weight - photos, specifically, photos of me! If I were to die tomorrow, there would not be many pictures of me left behind for my kids, and that's sad. I hate seeing photos of myself, so I try duck out of the way whenever a camera is around. Holidays, vacations, special events, etc. - I am the one that takes the pictures. There are thousands of pictures of my husband and girls, but when I look back on the pictures it's as if I wasn't even there. I've made myself invisible for years - there's no photo history of me for the last 13+ years! So, even though I'm still not comfortable with how I look, I've been trying to make sure to include myself in pictures - especially ones with my girls. I want them to see me being a part of their lives when they look back at all our family photos someday. Here's one we took together at Christmas.

**Counting Calories**

I haven't been hardcore on keeping track about counting every single calorie that I put into my mouth. I've just been trying to eat healthier, and, obviously, it's been working since I'm losing weight. However, with not losing any weight last week - after thinking I had eaten pretty good all week, and thinking I was, for sure, going to lose some weight - I am going to start logging my food. I'm going to use myfitnesspal to track my calories, so I'll know, exactly, how many I am consuming everyday. I know this is something I should have been doing all along, but it seemed like it would be too much work, and very time consuming....just more proof of my laziness! Yes, it will be more work, but it will be worth it, and it will help me reach my goals.

**Two Tummies**

Reason #12 to lose weight - my stomach. I'll never forget when my daughter was about 3 years old, and she asked, as she patted the area, - "Mama, why do you have two tummies??". And she was right - I did have two tummies, still do. I have two big rolls of fat in my stomach area - two tires on top of each other. Obviously, it's very unhealthy to have so much fat in my mid-section, but it's, also, awful looking, and so uncomfortable. So, I can't wait for the day when I will no longer have two tummies!!

**Sigh**

Well, this is embarrassing - after posting last night about how I was anxious to weigh in because I've had such a good week.....the scale didn't budge. I was still at 237. I looked down, and thought - well, that can't be right! I got off, and stepped on it again, and still nothing. So, I tried one more time....the same. I didn't lose anything - zip, nada, zilch! At first, I was very upset, and wondering what I did wrong, but then I realized - there are going to be weeks like this, and I just have to move on, and not let it discourage me. In the past, I would have given up, and got myself a big mac or a king size candy bar to make myself feel better, but those days are over. Next week, I will see a loss - I know it. And, hey, I didn't gain anything, so there is a silver lining!

**Ready**

I'm very ready to weigh in tomorrow! I try really hard to stay off the scale all week because I don't want to get discouraged by what I see, so I haven't been on it since Monday. I've been great about working out this week. I exercised earlier today, and, I think, I'm going to do another 30 min. before the night is over. I've, also, been on track with my eating this week, so I'm hoping to see good results on the scale in the morning, but we'll see. Stay tuned....

**Snowed In**

We've been snowed in all day because of the blizzard, and watching movies, being on the computer, cleaning the house, and doing a laundry can only hold my attention for so long, and then I get bored, and when I'm bored I get the munchies. Thankfully, we don't have any junk food in the house, but I've been wanting to eat off and on all day when I don't really need to, so I've been drinking alot of hot green tea. Also, for a snack I cut up a sweet potato, sprayed vegetable spray on them, sprinkled a little paprika over them, and baked them in the oven. They were so good!! So, today has been a challenge food-wise, but I'm getting through it!

I've posted some pictures of all the snow outside. I hate the snow, but my kids are loving it! Click on the pic to enlarge.

**Reason #11**

Reason #11 to lose weight - breathing! I want to be able to breathe easier. When I lie down on my back, my breathing becomes wheezy, and with each wheezing breath I am reminded of how unhealthy I am. It's scary, and it's embarrassing. When I walk up our stairs to the second floor I am, often, winded, as if I had just run around the block. It doesn't take much for me to get out of breath! I look forward to no more wheezing because I know when I no longer wheeze it will mean my body is getting healthier!

**Almost 40**

It's my birthday today - 39 years old....so, so close to 40! I can't believe I'm almost 40 years old because, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I don't feel a day over 25...or 18...or even 16, some days! Well, the last couple days, I feel 80 years old because with all the water I've been drinking I'm in the bathroom every 10 min., but anyway....

I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I'm only 11 years away from 50!! Age is just a number, right? And I'm feeling okay about being a year older this year because I'm working hard to better myself - emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'm only a month into working towards a new lifestyle, but I'm feeling great. I'm feeling encouraged. I'm feeling better than I have in a very long time!!

With the blizzard coming, I'm spending a nice, relaxing day at home with my girls, and my husband is coming home early, so it's going to be a great birthday!!