**Goals**

I seem to fail every time I set a goals. I don't know why, but I do. Big fat fail - F! I've even tried short term goals, like doing something for just 5 days straight - nope, fail! So, I decided that I need to go very, very short term, like day to day. So, today I wanted to do two things - exercise & drink a gallon of water!!

Exercise for 30 min. - Done!
Drink a gallon of water - Done!

Success!

Tomorrow's goals - exercise, drink my water, and eat 2 servings of fruit.

**New Pics**

New pictures are posted! Click on "Feb. 2011" in the sidebar.

**Quote**

"No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, positively do have the power to change." ~Bill Phillips

I have no idea who Bill Phillips is, but I like the above quote.

I do have the power to change, and I will!

Update: Okay, I decided to look up Bill Phillips - he's the Body for Life guy.

**Free Day**

Yesterday, I gave myself sort of a "free" day. And I don't just mean a free day on food consumption. I mean, a free day from thinking about anything related to my losing weight because for the last month it's been all I've thought about! I've been, mildly, obsessed with the scale, meal planning and calorie counting, struggling with exercising, drinking water, fighting off cravings, etc., but yesterday I didn't think about of any of that stuff. Yesterday was Mama-Daughter Day!

One of my new year's resolution was to spend more alone time with each of my kids. So, this weekend I spent time with my oldest daughter, Brenna, and my husband took our youngest daughter, Aubree, to our cabin for some Daddy-Daughter time. Yesterday, Brenna and I went out to breakfast, we did some shopping, we went to Starbucks for a coffee break, and chatted for a half hour (well, she had juice and I had the coffee), we went out to dinner, and went to see a play. It was a wonderful day, and it was nice not to think about my weight, at all, for one full day.

However, today, I'm back to the meal planning for the upcoming week, and all that other stuff, but it's okay because I had a day off, and now I'm ready to get back to it. I know, eventually, it won't all feel so overwhelming, and it will all, pretty much, come second nature to me - right??! Listen, I lived one way for 38 years, and I know it's going to take more than four short weeks to change a lifetime of bad habits, and to get into a new, healthy lifestyle, but I know I can do it....I am doing it, and I know it will get easier, with time.

**Progress Pics**

Well, it's been a month since I started on my weight loss journey, and the plan was to post monthly progress pictures, but, I know, the 11.5 pounds I've lost isn't really noticeable, so I decided not to post pics yet. BUT then I changed my mind - I will post new pics.....mostly, because it will drive me crazy if I don't have a picture for every month of this year - I'm anal about stuff like that!! So, I will have a new pic up by tonight.

**Reason #10**

Reason #10 to lose weight - shorts. I want to feel comfortable wearing shorts again. I haven't worn a pair of shorts, in public, since June of 2002. We had just returned home from a trip to Wisconsin Dells, and I was downloading pictures of the trip, and came across a picture of me wearing shorts. Remember, there are never any pictures of me, and I don't own a full length mirror, so I really didn't know how I looked in shorts since becoming obese. My husband had taken pictures of our daughter, and I was in the foreground with all of my thigh fatness sticking out of my shorts - it was really awful looking! I, immediately, yelled at my husband for not telling me how disgusting my legs looked! Ha. But, as always, he said - "you're crazy, you're beautiful". Love really is blind. Anyway, I stopped wearing shorts that day!! Now, during the hot months I will only wear capris, but I want to get to the point where I feel comfortable wearing shorts again. Hopefully, this will be the year!

**Supportive Husband**

Oprah has a guest on today whose husband was very mean about her extra 55 pounds, and it reminds me how lucky I am to have my husband, who is so supportive. Being obese is hard enough, and I can't imagine how much harder it would be if my husband was attacking me, and making me feel horrible about my weight problem. My husband's biggest problem with my weight is that he worries about my health, but other than that he has never treated me any different. When we met I was about 140 pounds, and I looked very different from what I do now, but he still tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and he still loves me just the same. I'm very grateful to him for his constant support. He's a wonderful husband, and all around great person.

**Weigh In #4**

I was really surprised when I got on the scale this morning and it read....237 lbs! Down another 2.5 pounds! I'm very happy, but, again, surprised because I didn't exercise enough. Obviously, the eating right is paying off. Just think what I could have done if I had been exercising all week, and drinking my water (which has been another challenge for me) like I should have been, but I'm not complaining - a 2.5 pound loss is awesome!

**I Did It**

But I almost didn't! It got to be 9pm, and I still hadn't worked out, so I was going to just forget it, but then I thought about how I would have to get on my blog, and admit that I hadn't exercised...again. And I thought about how I really want to see a loss on the scale tomorrow, and working out will help me get that loss. And I thought about how I can't let myself get back into a rut again. So, I did it - I exercised, for almost a half hour, and I'm so glad I did it!

**Boots**

Reason #10 to lose weight - boots! I want to be able to wear boots that can fit over my calves! Right now, my calves are like 18" (huge!), and finding a boot that will zip up over them is impossible - trust me, I've tried. By next winter, I'm hoping I will be able to by some stylish boots for the first time in a very, very long time!!!

**Slacking**

I have a confession - I've been slacking on the exercise! It's Wednesday, and I haven't exercised once this week. I'm not going to make excuses. I've had the time to do it, but I'm being lazy. Part of the problem is - I'm not doing it first thing in the morning which, for me, is the ideal time. I know, I'm not going to do it in the afternoon or evening, so I HAVE to make it my morning priority. Get it done, and out of the way. My goal for the rest of the week is to exercise for 30 min., in the morning, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I think, once I get going with it for a couple weeks, it will just be a natural thing I do every morning - I'm hoping that will be the case, anyway!!

**Acceptance**

I have not been able to accept, or love, myself as a fat person. I look like a fat person on the outside, but, on the inside, I don't feel like a fat person. Well, physically, I feel like a fat person, but my inside self doesn't - does that make sense? It's hard to explain. It's the same with my age - I'm almost 39 years old, but, most days, I don't feel (mentally) a day over 25 years old!

The mental image I have of myself doesn't match the image I see in the mirror. I've been obese for almost 14 years, but there are times I've been in a department store and I'll, unexpectedly, get a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and I'm shocked by what I see. It's not that I ever forget I'm fat, but I forget I'm THAT fat, and that I look that bad! And, again, it's not how I feel on the inside, so it's been really hard to accept.

Lately, I've been trying to learn to like myself as I am because, for now, it's what I am - I'm fat, but I need to remember that I'm more than that. Unfortunately, for a long time I've let being fat be everything about me. There's more to me than just fat, and I'm trying hard to focus on the good qualities I have. I know, to move forward, I have to learn to love and accept myself - fat or thin.

**Reason #9**

Reason #9 to lose weight - crossing my legs....I want to be able to cross my legs when I sit. Tonight, at my daughter's jazz class, I was sitting in a waiting area with eight other mothers, and they were ALL crossing their legs, but I couldn't, and that bothers me. I hate that sitting like a man, with my legs wide open, is the only comfortable way for me to sit. I know it may seem silly, but it's doesn't feel womanly, and I want to, so I will be so happy when I can sit down, and cross my legs - like a woman.

**Diabetes**

Reason #8 to lose weight - diabetes. I don't want to end up with diabetes. My doctor told me that it's not a matter of IF I will get diabetes, but WHEN....she said that I will, for sure, eventually, get it if I don't lose weight. Plus, I have a family history of it - my grandfather had it, and my dad has it, so, yea, I'll get it if I don't change my life, and that's not something I want to deal with it.

**Weight Loss Surgery**

At one point, I had, seriously, considered weight loss surgery. My doctor recommended it, and I could tell she thought it was a good idea because she thought it was my last hope, and, at the time, I think, I agreed. So, my hubbie and I traveled to downtown Chicago for a seminar to learn about lap bad surgery. There were so many people there - I couldn't believe it. All of us, sitting there - fat and miserable - just looking for a way out of obesity hell. By the end of the seminar, they had reeled me in good - I was caught....hook, line and sinker! So, we went home and the next day I made the appt. for my consultation - I was determined to get the surgery.

On the day of the appt., I woke up very excited. I thought - I'm on my way to doing something about it, I have found the solution. So, I get to the appt. and it turns out to be a very long day....paperwork, meetings w/ a counselor, a nutritionist, a nurse, a doctor, and with each meeting something started to change - I wasn't so sure about the surgery anymore. Suddenly, having the surgery didn't feel like my last hope - suddenly, it didn't feel right.

On the way home, I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the surgery, and, as always, he supported me. It didn't bother him, at all, that he had taken two different days off work to travel downtown with me, it didn't bother him that I was so sure just that morning, but was, now, going in a totally different direction - he just listened and supported me.

In the end, I had to be honest with myself - I hadn't REALLY tried to lose the weight on my own. I was looking for an easy way out. Now, that's not to say that weight loss surgery is an easy way out for everyone. I know it's not - some people need it, and it IS their last hope, but for me, that wasn't the case. I was just being lazy. I had never put forth the effort to do what I had to do to lose the weight. So, I decided that spending all that money for surgery wouldn't be fair to my family, or myself. I decided that before I did something as drastic as surgery I had to try to lose the weight on my own by changing my lifestyle, by beginning to exercise and eat more healthful foods.

Well, that was probably five years ago, so it's taken me a very long time to start doing what I need to do, but I'm, finally, doing it, and it's working, and I'm proud of myself, AND I'm very glad I didn't do the surgery because it wasn't necessary. What I needed was time - time to get into the right mind set, time to work through some issues, and the time has come .... I'm ready, and I know I can do this.

**Bras**

Reason #7 to lose weight - bras! I can NOT find a comfortable, supportive bra! I had a knock down, drag out fight with a bra just this morning - trying to get the wire to stay tucked nice and snug under the boobs; trying to get the overflowing fat stuffed into sides of the bra; trying to get the straps tight enough to, even somewhat, hold up the (what feels like 15 pounds each) boobs....it's a never ending battle!! I have tried, in vain, to find a bra that will take care of all my trouble areas - front, side, and back!! So, I'm really, really, really hoping by losing some weight I will, eventually, be able to find a good, COMFORTABLE, bra!!

**Weigh In #3**

Well, I did it, barely, but I did it - I'm below 240!!! Today's weight is 239.5!! I lost 2 pounds this week, and I will never, ever be back in the 240's again!

**#6**

Reason #6 to lose weight - age! I want to look my age. I'm 38 years old, but I've been asked if I was my sister's mom, and another time if I was my dad's wife - not great moments in my life!! I've always thought - losing weight equals looking younger. However, recently, I've had a fear of looking even older once I lose the weight. I think, the extra fat on the face covers up wrinkles, so I sure hope I don't look like Yoda under all this fat!!!!

**Temptation**

I survived some major temptations today!! I attended a birthday party today w/ my girls, and there were quite a bit of not so healthy foods - spaghetti cheese casserole, fried flour tacos, cheetos, cake and brownies, and I passed on all of them. Well, I had a teeny, tiny bite off the corner of my daughter's taco, but I'm talking a really little bite! I, also, had a bit of wine, and a few tortilla chips with a little gaucamole. Other than that - I had some orange slices, and some carrots. So, I wasn't perfect, but I could been very, very bad! To be honest, it really wasn't that hard for me to be good, which surprised me a little, so I'm happy about that.

I had planned to make sweet potato burritos for dinner tonight, but decided on pot roast instead. I made it in the slow cooker, and it was so good!! The only thing I added in with the pot roast was diced tomatoes, onions, cajun seasoning, tabasco sauce, and pepper. That's it! We didn't have potatoes or bread with it, and we were all satisfied!

Hopefully, the sweet potato burritos will be a hit tomorrow night!!

**Grocery Shopping**

I've always hated grocery shopping, but I'm hating it even more because it's taking me twice as long to shop since we are cooking all of our meals now, instead of eating out! We were at the store for almost 2 hours today!! It took so long because I was having to stock up on things we didn't have since I have never cooked on a regular basis. So, we loaded up on all kinds of spices, oils, beans, - lots of stuff!

It's been a little stressful for me trying to plan out meals because I want them to taste good, but be healthy, too. I think, I'm doing pretty good since no one has refused to eat anything that I've made! I've always hated cooking, but I'm starting to enjoy it a little bit - maybe because I know I'm doing something good for my family.

Tomorrow night we're trying Sweet Potato Burritos! I can't wait to see how they turn out!

**Underwear**

Reason #5 to lose weight - underwear!! I want to be able to wear underwear that are cute, and sexy, and pretty. My underwear are....well, they are huge! So, even if I can find some with cute patterns they still look like big old granny panties (or a small tote bag!)....not sexy, at all!!!

**The Biggest Loser**

I'm a huge fan of The Biggest Loser! I'm always moved by the contestant's stories, and I love watching them lose the weight, and change their lives. You'd think the show would have been a big motivator for me to lose weight, and change my own life, too, right? Wrong! The show premiered in October 2004, so I've watched it for over six years now, and, obviously, I didn't take from it what I should have. I'm ashamed to say that, at times, I've watched it while eating a Big Mac, or a piece of cake! How messed up is that??!! It's bad, I know.

I just wasn't ready - I wasn't ready to move forward, and tackle the issues that need to be tackled, but I'm ready now. I know it won't be easy, but I FEEL ready - I've never felt that way before.

I just started watching another season of The Biggest Loser, but I know this viewing season will be a different experience for me. I won't be losing weight as fast as the contestants, but I will be losing weight along with them. And I know I won't be eating Big Macs or cake while I'm watching the episodes! This time I'll be doing a some exercising while I watch, and I'll be listening for tips about how to make changes in my life.

**Shoes**

Reason #4 to lose weight - shoes .... and socks, too. Trying to put on shoes or socks as an obese person is not easy!! It was REALLY hard when I weighed 282 pounds. I couldn't bend straight over to put them on - it was painful, and I would feel like I was going to pass out! I would have to kind of bend at the side, try to reach down with one hand, and.....you know what?? I can't even really explain it - I would have to show you!! Anyway, when I lost the 30 pounds it did get a little easier. Now, I can bend straight over - a little - but I have to make sure my foot meets me halfway by putting it up on the ottoman, or like on the the second or third stair! So, it will be nice to be able to put on socks and shoes like a normal size person.

And don't let me see any of you checking out how I put my shoes on next time I'm at your house for a visit!!:)

**McDonalds**

I've taken my kids to McDonald's hundreds of times - yes, it's sad, but true. And I knew it was not the greatest food in the world, of course, I knew this, but, OMG, now that I know, exactly, how bad it is I am, truly, ashamed of myself for letting them eat there so many times.

The girls, usually, get a happy meal - hamburger, fries, and a chocolate milk:

Hamburger: 250 calories, 9 grams fat
Small Fry: 230 calories, 11 grams fat
Chocolate Milk: 170 calories, 3 grams of fat

Total Calories: 650!!!
Total Fat: 23 grams!!!

Seriously??!! WTH is wrong w/ with me? I almost cried - really. I don't even want to know what I've done to my kid's insides.:( And my own?? Forget about it! I'm a walking time bomb! My meal of choice at McDonald's was the Big Mac w/ fries and a coke - 1250 calories, 54 grams of fat. I'm surprised I'm still alive.

So, today, we went to visit my MIL and my little niece, Mia. I knew that my MIL would want to go to McDonald's for lunch so I planned ahead. I went online and checked every single thing on the menu, and learned that, basically, it's all, mostly, bad!

I was thinking the Grilled Chicken sandwich would be a good choice, but I was wrong! 420 calories, 10 grams of fat - not horrible, but not good either. So, I moved on to the salads, and decided the Bacon Ranch Salad with GRILLED Chicken w/ the low fat Balsamic Vinaigrette was the way to go - 300 calories, 12 grams fat.

So, the girls and I each got the salad - we all liked it, and it filled us up, AND not one of missed getting our usual, fattening meal!

**Reason #3**

Reason #3 to lose weight - towels. I look forward to when a regular size towel will fit all the way around me. It will be nice to no longer have one ass cheek hanging out all the time!:)

**Margaritas**

Well, at the Bunco get-together I ate tortilla wraps, and a few mini-pretzels dipped in some cheese spread, so not all that bad. However, I had margaritas - alot of them - like four, or five .... okay, maybe six. Yep, probably, six, but it's a little fuzzy. So, I was off track for a night, but I'm okay with it. I'm back on track today, and, I know, it's going to be a good week. I'm getting ready to plan the menu for the week, and, after that, I'm going try a new Walk Away the Pounds dvd - Walk and Kick.

I'm looking forward to stepping on the scale Friday and seeing a number below 240!!!

**My Girls**

Reason #2 to lose weight - my girls. I want to set a good example for them. I want them to learn that eating right and exercising is very important and that it will keep their minds and bodies healthy. I want to show them that living a healthy lifestyle should be a priority in their lives.

**Me**

Reason #1 to lose weight - for me. Alot of what I do is for others. It's time that I take care of myself, too.

**Night Out**

I'm having a night out at my friend's house - we'll be playing Bunco, drinking, and eating some not so healthy foods. I'm really looking forward to it - even though I don't really know any of the women that will be there, with the exception of my friend, Julie. In the past, I would have avoided attending a party like this, but, you know, with this whole working towards a new beginning thing, I'm giving it a whirl.

Anyway, I'm not going to worry too much about the drinks and food I'll be having, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just let myself go on a drinking and feeding frenzy. I'm just going to be more conscious about how much I'm having - less is more, less is more, less is more, right? Right!! I can remember that!!

**Weigh In #2**

Today's weight - 241.5....another 3.5 pounds gone!! Who-Hoo!! Again, I'm very happy with that number, but next week will be ever better because I will be out of the 240's FOREVER!!!

We went out to breakfast this morning - normally, I get the biscuits & gravy, and a coffee with cream and sugar added to it. But today I ordered oatmeal with raisins, and hot tea, so I'm proud of myself for ordering something pretty healthy.

**Staying Fat**

Why did I spend the last 13+ years being obese if it has been so horrible for me emotionally, mentally, and physically? Well, as I've mentioned, some of it is about giving into the PCOS, and just plain, laziness. But, I think, some of it has to do with not having a sense of self-worth, and if I don't have respect for myself how can I feel worthy of having good things - good physical and mental health, good relationships, etc.?

I think, in some ways, "choosing" to stay obese was a form of self-punishment - punishing myself for a decision (an irreversible one) I made years and years ago, and then always regretted. For many years, I drank too much, and then once the PCOS weight gain started I, maybe, saw that as a way to punish myself further by overeating my way into obesityland.

I've experienced so much anger, guilt, and depression over the years, and I just didn't know how to deal with all those emotions, but I know I have to learn to cope, and forgive myself if I'm going to live the kind of life I want to live.

I want to feel worthy of a having a good life. I'm ready to get to point where I can think - I am perfect, just as I am, past mistakes and all, I am perfect, and I deserve to be happy.

**Yummy Dinner**

We made portobello mushrooms sandwiches for dinner - we added roasted red peppers and just a small slice of mozzarella cheese to them. Oh, and we used multi-grain thin buns. Brenna wanted to help me prepare dinner, and we had a great time doing it together.
Roasting the red peppers

Taking the skin off the peppers

A little olive oil on top

Brennie cutting the stems off the mushrooms

I forgot to take a picture of the finished sandwiches because I couldn't wait to start eating it once they were done!

I don't know, maybe I'm starting to get into this cooking thing....maybe!

**Encouraged**

Okay, after a few "boo-hoo me" posts - it's time for some positive stuff. Today was a good day. I knew ahead of time that I wasn't going to eat, perfectly, so I prepared my day for it. We went out to Pizza Hut for lunch w/ friends - I had a salad and three thin sliced pieces of pizza. After lunch the girls and I went to NuVibe, and I got a small hot mocha which was 230 calories (yikes!). So, I know I consumed alot of calories (and fat) at lunch time, but for breakfast I had a bowl of Cheerios w/ milk, and half an apple (about 220 calories), and for dinner I just had a Pure Protein bar w/ a cup of milk (199 calories). So, I was probably over, calorie-wise, where I want to be for the day, but not by too much.

Look, it could have been worse because I could, easily, have eaten a couple more pieces of pizza, but I stopped myself at three. My plan had been to have two, but, dang, they were little pieces!! It's a shame that pizza is so bad for you because it taste so good!

Anyway, I refuse to try to hold myself back from ever eating "bad" foods, - if I do that, I will not win this battle. If I feel like I am depriving myself too much I get very discouraged, so I'm going to be okay with "cheating", every now and then. I will just do my best to plan ahead for it so I don't have a calorie consuming blow out!

Each day, I feel more and more encouraged that I'm really going to stick with this!!

**Shame**

I'm ashamed of myself for hiding for so long just because of the way I look - I mean, come on, it's not like I was some great beauty when I was skinny! Unfortunately, like many girls and women, I was always obsessed with my weight, so when I gained so much I felt worthless. It's terrible that so much of my self-worth was connected to my weight, and how I looked on the outside, but, to be honest, I have never felt much better about my inside self either.

I have always struggled with feeling like I'm not smart enough - not smart enough to be part of a book club, not smart enough to run a homeschool group class, not smart enough to have "quality" conversations w/ people, not smart enough to learn photography, not smart enough to really be creative. I know this just comes from having low self-esteem though, and that's it's just another thing I have to work through.

I'm, also, ashamed because my issues with my weight affected so many other people. It's been hard for my family to not have me participating in bike rides, swimming while on vacations, amusement park rides, etc. And it's not right that I, repeatedly, sent them off to Dave's work picnics, or other get-togethers without me because I was too uncomfortable to go. My friend, Julie, often had to make concessions for me - staying in, instead of going out when we were getting together, or not going to a certain parties because I wouldn't be comfortable - stuff like that. My parents and my sister have spent plenty of time dealing with my issues associated with my weight, too. So, I didn't just hurt myself for all those years...I hurt others, too, and I regret that. I have been, completely, selfish and that's hard to face.

**In Hiding & On the Sidelines**

I was very, very embarrassed when I became obese - so I went into hiding. Yep, for over 13 years, I hid from all the people who had only known me as a thin person. I would refuse to go out in my home town of Ottawa for fear that I would run into someone from my past. I refused to meet up with old friends - always coming up with an excuse for not being able to get together. I did NOT want people to know that I was fat. And then it got worse....

I got to the point where I didn't want to meet new people either. I would refuse to attend any of my husband's work functions. I was embarrassed for him, and didn't want people to know he was married to a fat person. Somehow, I thought it was better to send him to Xmas parties and work picnics alone. Finally, a few years ago, I agreed to attend one of the picnics, but it was so hard being there I've never gone again.

I wouldn't attend any get-togethers at friend's homes if I knew new people were going to be there. In social situations, I was only willing to be around people I was, completely, comfortable with - my parents, my sister, and my friend, Julie.

I let being obese affect every part of my life. I was living life on the sidelines - watching my family have fun without me. I always refused to get in a suit in public so they swam without me at pools and beaches. Running around for any length of time was so hard, so they played tag without me. Getting my big ass on kiddie rides wasn't going to happen, so I watched while Dave rode with them. I didn't want to hear that I was too obese to go on a water ride, so I would sit alone at the water parks while they were off enjoying the park.

Last year, I started coming out of my self-imposed isolation a little more. I mean, really, it was time to get over myself!!! I started trying to be more social and began spending time w/ new friends. I went on a roller coaster ride AND a water ride w/ my kids and friends for the first time! Even bigger - I went to my 20 year high school reunion. It was so hard for me to do, but I did it!!!!!!!

I missed out on so much all those years. It's so sad. Sad for me, for my family, and my friends. I'm not letting obesity run my life anymore. It's insane that I let it for so long, and I'll always regret it, but I can only move forward now. I'm trying to love and accept myself, and I'm starting to make the changes I need to make to really be who I want to be - inside and out.

**Exercise**

I hate exercising, I really do, but that wasn't always the case. I was very active growing up. I swam, competitively, from 7 - 17 years old. And I loved running, too.  Through the years, I, also, played soccer, basketball, softball, and track. Then I started college, and stopped being so active. Plus, I started drinking - alot - and that's never good for the waistline.:) And then PCOS, and overeating came long. PLUS - I am, extremely, lazy. I am - I admit it. So, basically, I haven't exercised much throughout the last 20 years, but I've started getting back to it for the last week or so.

I've been doing Walk Away the Pounds, and some Wii Fit games, and tonight we added Wii Just Dance 2 to the mix!!! And it really is a workout! I did three dances in a row and I was, completely, winded. After that, I did 2 miles on Walk Away the Pounds. So, I'm starting small, but the important thing is - I started. And the great thing is - my whole family is getting involved. My girls and husband are exercising with me, and it really makes a difference.

As I said above, I used to love running and I hope to get back to that one day. I would love to start participating in some 5K races, but that's awhile away - baby steps, you know? But it's good to have a goal.:)

**What Happened?**

How did I become obese? It started in the summer of 1997, I weighed about 130 pounds, and, out of the blue, I started gaining weight - fast - and in less than 9 months I was over 200 pounds. I hadn't changed my lifestyle or the way I was eating, so I was convinced I had a thyroid problem, but I was tested and my thyroid was fine. Finally, years later, after dealing w/ secondary infertility I was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS can lead to infertility, obesity, and a bunch of other problems. So, okay, I finally knew what was going on, and I was put on medicine to help control it, and it did help a little, but I've still never been able to take the extra weight off. Why??....

Well, it's simple, I gave into the PCOS! I let it win. Sure, some of my weight problem is because of the PCOS (that's what my doctor tells me anyway), but alot of the extra weight, I believe, is because I just gave up. I had gained so much weight and it was so hard to lose, and I became very discouraged, so food (junk food) became my comfort.

So, to me, it really doesn't matter how I got here - the point is, I'm here. I'm fat, I'm obese, I'm a mess, and I need to move forward. Wait, I guess, I take that back - it does matter how I got here because I need to learn from my past mistakes, and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm told that because I have PCOS I will have to take medicine for the rest of my life (but I'm hoping the doctors are wrong!), and that it will be hard to lose the weight. I believe it will be hard, but I don't think it's impossible. I can't let PCOS or food lead my life anymore - I'm ready to take the control!

**Good, but Bad**

So, as far as food goes, it was a pretty good day.

Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 piece of toast, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, 1 apple, & green tea

Snack: Nutri Grain bar & water

Lunch: Wheat tortilla wrap w/ turkey, avocados, red bell peppers, lettuce, and a sprinkle of lowfat cheese

Dinner: 2 steak tacos w/ salsa, avocados, lowfat sour cream, low fat shredded cheese, and lettuce

Snack: Air popped popcorn

So, even though I ate pretty good, it was a shit day because my cravings were horrible!! And having the cravings put me in a really bad mood. I HATE that I let food affect me so much! I, actually, feel a little (okay, alot!) depressed because I can't run out and eat the crap I am craving - like a Big Mac, and a chocolate bar. But, realistically, I know that although it will feel so good going down, immeditately, after eating it I will feel terrible, physically and emotionally, so that's what's keeping me from doing it.

Anyway, I'm hoping the cravings won't be so bad tomorrow, and that, mentally, I will have a much better day!

**Full Disclosure**

I cannot tell a lie, I was not so good today - in fact, I was downright BAD! The plan (see, as soon as I start trying to plan, everything goes to shit!!) was to eat a healthy breakfast and lunch at home before we headed out to see a production of Annie. Well, the healthy breakfast happened - I had a bowl of grape nuts w/ fruit and some hot green tea. Well, after breakfast I got behind on my schedule and didn't get around to making lunch so we hit McDonalds on our way to the play (I know, excuses and more excuses!). I had a cheeseburger, a handful of fries, and an iced tea. After the play, we went out to dinner. We agreed ahead of time that we would get two entrees and share it between the four of us. I guess, we should have, also, agreed to get HEALTHY entrees, but we didn't. Brenna and I shared a cup of mushroom soup, a tomato and mozzerella salad, and chicken ravioli w/ broccoli in alfredo sauce. Oh, yea, and I had two pieces of bread.....and a couple bites of Dave and Aubree's veal entree.:O

Okay, so I was very, very bad today, and I have no excuse for it. However, I am not going to dwell on it, or spend time beating myself up over it. I'm going to move on, and do MUCH better tomorrow. Tomorrow's menu is planned out, so I know it's going to be a good day.:)

**Weekends**

So, weekends are, usually, a junk food fest around here, but, obviously, that is going to have to change. No more eating every meal out, and having snacks and desserts throughout the day. I'm getting ready to make out a menu for the weekend, and, I think, knowing ahead of time what we'll be eating all weekend will help. For dinner, we're going to have peirogies(sp?), smoked turkey sausage, and veggies, and our snack later will be air popped popcorn w/ NO butter, but we do have a butter flavored sprinkle to try out with it to add some flavor.

I hate to cook, but I know I have to get over that, and suck it up, if I'm going to really lose this weight and start living a healthier life - healthier for me and my family.

So, I'm off to search for some yummy, but healthy, recipes!!

**Weigh In #1**

Okay, I just weighed in - drum roll, please.......245!!!! That's 3.5 pounds gone - FOREVER!!! I'm very happy with that! I'm not going the Biggest Loser here, so I'm not expecting to see 5 or 10 pounds gone per week. I'm not looking for a quick fix, so I know this is going to take awhile, and I'm fine with that. I can't wait to weigh in again next week!!!!

**Day by Day**

I've been doing pretty good, not perfect, but good. I've been eating much better, and I've been moving. I've been making sure to eat a good breakfast. In the past, I would skip breakfast, but eating breakfast has helped me to not be so hungry by lunch, therefore, I'm not starving by noon, and ready to eat a whole cow. For exercising, I've been doing Walk Away the Pounds, and playing Wii Fit and Sports games. Now, Wii might not be a workout for some, but when you weigh what I way, and pretty much haven't exercised in a very long time it IS exercise.

Tomorrow is weigh in, and I am so ready to see a loss on the scale!!!

**Why Now**

So, why am I ready to do lose this weight after being obese for almost 14 years? Well, there are many, many reasons - I will post about them later, but the picture below was the final straw!

I was flipping through Xmas pictures, and, OMG, there I was - huge, unhealthy, sad. I don't usually see pictures of myself because I don't allow them to be taken, but this one slipped by me. This is what I look like to the world! I don't want the world to see me this way - I want to look better! Sure, it's vain, but there it is. Of course, I am losing the weight to become healthy, and I am losing it to set a good example for my daughters. But I am, also, losing it because I want to be able to feel proud about the way I look, and I can't be proud looking the way I do in the picture of above! I am ashamed about the way I look, and that is not how I want to live my life anymore.

**The Number**

Okay, it's time for the number! I weigh 248.5 pounds - I am horrified by that number. Believe it or not, it used to be higher - my highest weight was 282 pounds. I joined a weight loss challenge a few years ago, and I was able to lose almost 35 pounds. So, losing this weight is not impossible. I know it's doable, and I will do it.

As I mentioned before, I will weigh in weekly - Fridays will be my weigh in day. So, I have a few more days until weigh in, and, I think, - no, I know!!! - I will be down, at least, two pounds.

I'm hoping to have a "picture" page up by Friday, too. I'm thinking I will post a front view, side view, and rear view (I can't wait to watch my ass shrink!!) once a month. I never allow my picture to be taken so it won't be easy for me to post my bigness on the internet, but I'm hoping it will help me stay motivated!

**What's the Plan?**

The plan is simple - I am eating more healthful foods, and exercising. Now, that doesn't mean sticking to the plan will be simple! Of course, it won't be! If it was easy I would have lost the weight a long time ago. I know it's going to be hard, but, for the first time, I really feel ready to tackle my weight problem.

Also, I will track my weight loss, and post pictures of myself. I'll weigh in weekly, and probably post progress pics of myself once a month. I'm working on getting a weight loss chart page going.

I hate, hate, hate exercising, but I hope, eventually, that I won't dread it! I'm starting off with walking 20 min. a day, at least, 5 times a week. And I am going to use dumbbells at home for strength training. I am really worried about the excess skin I am going to have after I lose all this weight, but that's another post for another time.

**What's The Damage?**

Well, the damage is about 130 pounds of extra weight on my 5'1" frame. I know, YIKES, right? It's bad. I let it get really, really bad, and now I need to fix it. I MUST fix it! I've been obese for thirteen and half years, so I spent half of my twenties fat, and almost all of my thirties as a fat person. I'm going to turn 39 in less than a month, and I want to be on my way to a healthy new me by then. I will NOT spend my forties, fifties, sixties, etc., as an obese person. I want a better life for myself, and only I can make that happen.

**One Year**

For one year - 365 days - I am going to track my weight loss! EVERY DAY I will post my accomplishments, or struggles - I hope the struggles will be few and far between because I am ready to do this! This is it! This is the year I will lose this weight! It's now or never, baby!!! Stay tuned....